Controlling Mothers: Cutting the Apron Strings
by Greg Baer
www.RealLove.com
Posted Apr 27th 2007,
Read 16319 times since then. Similar ArticlesConquering Stress and Depression with Exercise One of the best ways to combat stress and depression is to make physical fitness a part of your daily routine. Aside from the proven health benefits of exercise, people who exercise regularly are more apt to deal with stressful situations more easily, handle physical work tasks better, and tend to be less susceptible to illness and injuries. There… Control Damaging Power of Depression Bouts of depression is a common phenomenon. Even very happy persons and great saints have to pass through the tides of depression. Static state of anything thing or emotion can be very boring in life. If there is no night how can you enjoy the day? If there is no sorrow in life how can you enjoy fun? So these things are as interrelated as hope and… Coping with Christmas - Managing the Pressures s we approach the “season of good cheer” as it is known to many in the West, I wonder how many people view the passing of December with an increasing sense of dread? What does Christmas mean for you? A time to celebrate the birth of Christ? A time to think about your fellow human beings and a wish to share and care? A time to enjoy yourself? A… Coping With Stress During the Season to Be Jolly Real-life holidays may not be anything like the Hollywood “Brady Bunch” holidays. While radios and store Muzak blare Ho-ho-ho and Fa-la-la, we sometimes find ourselves feeling the contrast between what we WANT in their lives and what we HAVE. We may be grieving for people who are not with us—who may be gone because of military duty, illness,… 5 Stress-Busters: Counteract the Harmful Effects of Stress Stress — whether it's from the hectic pace of your daily routine or a traumatic life event — can take its toll on your body. Prolonged stress can compromise your immune system, making you more vulnerable to serious illness and infection. If you stress is related to your lifestyle, it might be time to re-evaluate your priorities and… Loving and respecting one's mother is a wonderful thing. And most of us have been grateful at some point for the advice we have received from our mothers. But, what do you do when your mother won't stop giving you advice—when her entire life seems to revolve around controlling your life? Find the solution in my response to the woman in the following letter.
"My mother never stops giving me advice. She tells me how to clean my house, how to raise my children, what I should do on my job, how to treat my ex-husband, how to take care of my cats. The list goes on. She never quits. And then she always follows up, asking for a report about whether I did what she told me to do. I take a lot of her advice, but if I don't do what she wants, she gets mad. I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it. She calls me every day and talks forever. She treats me like I'm eight years old, and I passed eight a long time ago."
Your mother treats you like you're eight because you let her. With your behavior, you're actually inviting her to keep giving you advice, so it's little wonder she does it.
Now, if you hate it so much, why do you let it happen? Because you're still trying to earn your mother's approval. You want her to love you, and you're afraid that if you don't do what she says-and listen to every word she speaks-she won't love you. Why do you have that fear? Because she has proven thousands of times-more than that, really-that when you don't let her control you, she doesn't love you.
If you want your life to change, you have to face up to what your mother's behavior means. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any concern for what we'll get in return. It's unconditional. If I genuinely care about your happiness, I would never try to control you, and I would certainly not get disappointed or angry if you didn't do what I want.
Does your mother unconditionally love you? No, she doesn't. I know that's a hard thing to hear, but look at the evidence. She's interested in what she wants, not what you want. She gets angry at you when you don't do what she wants, which very clearly says to you, "I don't love you."
Now, in her defense, does she have some interest in your well-being? Sure-to some degree, she wants you to be happy, but every time she gets angry, she's telling you that what she wants is more important to her than what you want. She does not realize she's even doing this. She cares about you as much as she knows how, but she doesn't feel enough Real Love in her own life to be able to share any with you. She doesn't withhold her love from you. She simply can't give you what she doesn't have. She tries to control you because when you do what she wants, she feels accepted by you. She also feels a sense of power, which temporarily fills her emptiness in the absence of Real Love.
I know this is hard stuff to accept, but until you see the truth, it's not likely that you'll ever change the way you feel and behave, and that's what you really want, isn't it? When you understand that your mother isn't capable of loving you unconditionally, you can quit demanding it from her.
It will also help you a lot to realize that your frustration here is not a result of your mother's advice. It's a consequence of your expectations that she will love you. Then when she doesn't love you in the way you need-unconditionally-you're disappointed and angry. Your expectations of her love are understandable-who doesn't want their mother to love them-but they're also very unproductive.
Let's imagine that you're starving, and you come across a woman who's also starving. How smart would it be for you to demand from her the food you want? It would be ridiculous to demand from someone what they don't have, but in this case you keep demanding food from her. So who's the problem here, her or you? You are the problem, because you keep expecting from someone what they don't have. That's what you're doing with your mother. You don't realize that when you do what she wants, you're trying to control her affection for you just as much as she's trying to control you.
Again, it's understandable that you want your mother to love you, but but what you really need is not HER love. You need love from from anyone that has it. Real Love from any source is healing. You demand it from your mother because you unconsciously feel like she should love you-because, after all, she's your mother. But giving birth to you doesn't make her capable of unconditionally loving you. She just can't do that, which she's consistently proven for many years with her behavior.
So what can you do here? First, recognize three things: You have a profound need to be loved, she can't fill that need, and you insist that she do it anyway. When you really see that, much of your frustration will go away. How can you stay irritated at someone who can't behave differently? Then you can do something about your need to feel loved. Learn how you can find the Real Love you need. You can get it from people other than your mother, and when you have that most important ingredient to genuine happiness, you'll quit demanding it from your mother.
What can you do in the meantime, while you're learning to be loved by others? When she starts to give you advice you don't like, there are many things you can say, for example, "Mother, thanks for your advice, but I really do have that under control." If she persists, you can change the subject or tell her you have to go (you have other things to do). Or you can say, "Mom, as much as I love you, I really don't want to hear any more advice today (or hear about that particular subject)." You can stop acting like you're eight and simply tell her what you want.
As you see what's happening here, as you feel loved yourself, and as you clearly (not angrily) tell your mother what you want, your frustration will disappear-whether she changes her behavior or not.
You'll see that this whole thing isn't about your mother. It's always about Real Love. Similar ArticlesChallenge Yourself to Breathe Consciously Why bother? Our physical makeup provides automatic breathing. In good health we don't need to think about taking a next breath. It happens continuously and without effort. In fact, have you spent any time marveling at how you breathe without conscious thought? Unless someone is instructing you in a yoga, Lamaze, swimming or gym class about when… Living And working With Stress Selling can be very stressful. In my early years in the insurance industry I worked a very tight schedule of 4 appointments each day. These were with the Managing Directors of medium sized companies scattered around my territory. If the appointment was a good one it could last anything up to an hour by the time I waited to be seen and then made my… Dealing with Stress: Learning to Ride the Waves of Change You get your budget all worked out and then gas prices soar and your commuting expenses send you back to the drawing board. A new baby arrives, someone falls ill or dies, and everything changes. You have to change plans, change roles, learn new skills, and devise new routines — but how? There wasn’t enough time to keep up with things as they… Five Instant 'Stress Soothers' for Counteracting Negative Emotions Do you ever have thoughts, feelings or impulses that attempt to hijack you? These intense feelings and thoughts come out of nowhere. They show up when you least expect it. It might be anxiety, despair, loneliness, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, or anger. What is your response to this villain who is attempting to take over your mind, body and… Stress Test: Getting to the Root Cause of Your Stress Here’s what you need to do. Schedule some time and lock yourself away for at least one hour. Somewhere quiet. Switch off the mobile phone, the television and devote this time to you. You don’t need to sit cross-legged on the floor for this, but I want you to do some contemplation. Think about your everyday life. Run the video in your mind. Take… Curing Stress By Understanding Its Root Causes And Effects It is often suggested that taking a walk, involving yourself in some sort of creative activity, or enjoying a good workout can do much to relieve the symptoms of stress and, while this is certainly true, this is a much more a strategy for coping with stress rather than for curing it. To deal effectively with long term chronic stress it is… Setting High Personal Standards In his book, The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness, author Greg Anderson wrote, "Let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and every decade worth looking forward to." He also reminded us… Burnt Bridges: Can They be Avoided? A common fallacy that people sometimes create is the mistake of "burning bridges." We've all been there before. The heat of an argument, a small confrontation or even a simple statement can suddenly kill a relationship without aforethought. The worst part being that we often burn the bridges to the ones we care for and/or love. Whether it's… Feeling Uninterested in Your Life - It May Be the Depression Talking Depression is a mental state that can impact your body mood and thoughts. Left to its own, depression can work its way into every aspect of your life. Make no mistake, a depressive disorder is not something to take lightly or ignore. It's real, and although sometimes difficult to accurately diagnose, is a condition that needs to be treated. Unlike… Entertaining Without Stress Let’s face it. If you are stressed, agitated and flitting about, your guests will be uncomfortable and won’t be able to relax. Here is an easy test of how well you are doing. How many times do your guests ask if there is anything they can do to help? It is reasonable that guests may ask when they first arrive but if you hear the question over and… Four Stress - Hacking Techniques Kills the Anguish Communal support and relations are an essential part of stress management because they have such a positive effect on minimizing the sequence of depression. As we become stressed, we require other people for contact, communication, and social buttress. It's much easier to survive stress tribulation when we find someone to share it with or some… 5 Tips on How to Deal With Chronic Stress The constant pressure of anxiety is the feeling of not being in control of your environment. This removes the safety net of security because you believe that you are constantly in danger. The danger-feeling that you experience can be either physical danger or emotional danger, such as in the case of public humiliation or embarrassment. 5 Tips on… Managing Stress Could Be Blessing In Disguise! Life with stress and life without stress-- they are poles apart! Some types of stress are inevitable. Some stresses are those over which you have no control. For, someone else could be the cause of stress. But whatever be the cause or stimulator of negative stress in you, you ought to find a solution for it. You simply cannot ignore it. Mostly,… Fighting Depression by Restoring Your Routines When we have depression, one of the things we drop from our lives is a routine. Most humans need routine as it adds structure to our lives. During bouts of depression we find it hard to go about our daily lives with a sense of purpose and direction. Restoring your routines will help to counteract this problem. Even the simplest things can appear… Coloring Therapy: How a Coloring Book and Crayons Can Help Dissolve Stress Remember when you were a child, lying on your tummy on the floor, coloring book open, crayon in hand with the other crayons spilling out of the box? Can you remember the sense of peace and enjoyment you felt while you were coloring? Why not consider revisiting this favorite childhood pastime to help during those times when you find yourself… The views of the authors are owned by them alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of Relagen-Store.com. Articles here are provided for informational purposes only. They are not intended to diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease. 
← Articles index | Save to del.icio.us | Add your article
|
